Solitude: Reconnecting With Yourself

It is said that there are two kinds of people in the world, extroverts and introverts. Extroverted people get their energy socializing and spending time with other people, while introverts get recharge their energy by spending time alone. It's obvious that we live in a world run by extroverts. Let's say you are with a group of friends, but you don't feel like talking. Perhaps you're tired, or the conversation simply doesn't interest you. You can bet that 90 percent of the time somebody will point out how quiet you are, as if it's wrong to be silent. Heck, how about when you feel like spending time alone, yet somebody comes up to you for small talk with topics that have no interest or relevance to you? I'm not saying that small talk is completely bad, it's necessary when you are first getting to know someone, obviously. You're not going to spill your deepest darkest secrets to someone you barely even know, right? So small talk helps with figuring them out.

The point I'm trying to make here is that having occasional time for yourself is actually good for you. When you spend time by yourself, you can learn things about yourself that you didn't know. You can also use that time alone to reflect on your life, you can reflect on what you need to improve on, or what you would like to do in the future. Silence is also good for you. Too much noise can elevate your stress levels by activating the amygdala in the brain, that almond-shaped piece of gray matter responsible for processing our emotions, but silence helps reduce it. The combination of solitude and silence can also make you more creative. Being devoid of distractions in a peaceful environment helps your brain wander more, you daydream more, and as a result, your brain naturally comes up with all kinds of creative ideas that you may have not come up with if you didn't give it some time to 'play around'.

We are all wired differently, but if you are more on the introverted side, or if you can handle it, then I highly recommend taking some time out for peace and quiet. It really is helpful when you want to destress and be more creative. Silence is golden.

Alexis

The Pain Of Stereotyping: Labeling Without Knowing Someone Hurts

I remember how, when I was eight-years-old, I was so excited to start the third grade of elementary school. I was new to the school, and because of my shortage of experience with other children at the time, I thought that things would turn out alright. Life came in, and slapped me in the face with a brick. 2003 was the year when I would get my first wake up call from cold, hard reality, and that reality was that children could be cruel and unfair towards one another. Because I wore glasses and braces at the time, almost everyone had labelled me as a nerd, that was the beginning of my life as an outcast.

Although, children and adolescents tend to stereotype people, even grown ups are just as guilty at doing this. Even in my early 20s I've had people assume that I was some studious person who absolutely loved going to school because of my appearance. It's ironic, because the truth is, while I do love learning and reading, I don't like school, and if anything I hated it because of the struggles I've had to endure because of the school's preference for teaching and explaining in Dutch (since Aruba follows the Dutch school system), and my Dutch was awful. I was actually pretty lazy when it came to school, and would rather have fun than do homework. Heck, I was awful at mathematics and physics, and yet I've had people assume that I was a genius at those subjects all because of my physical appearance.

A lot of people don't realize just how hurtful making assumptions about someone can be, they don't know that what they are doing is defining who you are based on what you look like, rather than for who you are inside. If a guy likes flowers, does that mean he's automatically gay? What if he likes them simply because he admires their beauty, or maybe his mother used to tend flowers, and they remind him of her, which is why he likes them? If somebody likes horror movies, does that mean that they are automatically mentally ill and they need to seek help? What if they simply like the adrenaline rush they get from watching them? I like horror books because of the imagination behind them, and because I think monsters are cool. One time I had someone look at me all creeped when I told them I liked horror books, and they never contacted me since. I like collecting wedding figurines, which in society's eyes, is pretty bizarre for a guy to do (even my own mother finds it bizarre), but I really like them. Yet again I've had another person stop contacting me because of it. They pretended to act as if they weren't creeped out, but it was so obvious. See, that's the thing, a person can have 'weird' tastes, and there might, or might not be a reason behind them, it's just part of who they are, and it doesn't make them any less of a person for it.

As a teenager, the need to be part of a group is strong, and at that age we don't know how important it is to be yourself in order to attract the right people. Many fall under the temptations of peer pressure because of the need to be accepted. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like you have to be someone you're not just to be part of a clique, then don't do it! Everyone is different and special in their own way, and if other people tell you to dress or act a certain way to be accepted, then those aren't people who love you for who you are, they are in a sense rejecting your individuality because they don't like it. We outcasts are the rebels of society because despite how painful the rejection and loneliness can be, we don't conform to others' expectations of normality. Many of us eventually grow up to be outside of the box thinkers, the geniuses that others look up to, and the ones who actually make a difference in the world.

I'd say forget the stupid labels, and to hell with the need to conform. This goes out to all the outcasts in the world: be the rebel that you are. Don't let anyone define who you are because of stupid reasons. At the end of the day, the people who love you for your strange tastes are the people who deserve to be in your life, and no one should condemn you for your weirdness. We are all weird, most of us are too afraid to show it.

Alexis

The Selfish Friend or Me Me Me: Recognizing These People

Have you ever had a friend in your life who expects you to agree with them all the time? Who seems to be your friend only if you are just like them, and has a need to make themselves the center of everyone's world? Oh yeah, you probably know what type of person I'm talking about. The self-centered friend.

Any person who has healthy self-esteem is able to recognize these people from a distance, but for those whose self-esteem isn't so great, it's a lot harder to spot them. We all have a gut feeling that lets us know when something or someone isn't right, our intuition, but when your self-esteem is low, you are pretty much blind to the red flags because you don't trust yourself.

Let's say you've been hurt by selfish people in the past, what do you do to protect yourself from getting hurt in the future? Well, the sad fact is that selfish people are everywhere, and everywhere you go in life you will meet these kinds of people. The best thing you can do is try to raise your self-esteem so you can spot these people effortlessly, but until your self-esteem is healthy, there are a few signs that can help you spot these people so you can stay away from them.

1. You feel drained after spending time with them. They talk about themselves, and make the whole conversation about them. They never or barely try to show any interest in you. Spend enough time around them, and you'll start to feel like nothing about you really matters. When you spend time with friends, you are supposed to feel nourished, not tired.

2. When you call them out on something they did or do wrong, they shift the blame on you; they try to make you feel guilty for being upset with them each and every time. If you tell them how upset you are, they dismiss your feelings. Here's an example:

Tom and Ronny were two friends who had gone a whole month without texting each other. Ronny stopped texting Tom because he got tired of always being the person to text first. One day, Ronny decided to text Tom again, and after a small conversation, Ronny brought up how he felt regarding Tom ignoring him for a whole month.

Ronny: You know, Tom, I really wish you could try texting me first once in a while. I don't like to feel like I'm the only one putting the effort in this friendship.

Tom: Really? That's why you didn't talk to me for a whole month? What the hell, we're not kids anymore, we're growing up. The only reason I don't chat with you as much is because I know how busy you are.

As you can see from this illustration, Ronny is expressing how upset he is. If Tom was able to empathize with him, then he would have apologized, and tried to make him feel understood. Tom would have tried to improve on his behavior, which was making his friend feel sad. His selfishness doesn't permit him to see anyone else's point of view, only his own.

3. They don't listen to you. They constantly interrupt you, or they change the topic to something else (which probably involves them). That's a clear sign that they are only looking for an audience, and don't really care about you.

Alexis

Choosing Love Over Materialism: Owning Expensive Objects Is Not A Recipe For Happiness

This article is going to be somewhat different from the rest that I've written up until now, and the reason for that being that I want to get something out that's been on my mind lately. A lot of people nowadays seem to value expensive objects way too much. They do it for the sake of showing off to the people they know just to gain some validation. For example, they might buy a really expensive smartphone just to say 'look, I bought the latest phone!' And yet they don't even know how to use most of its features. People, buying expensive things isn't going to bring you long term fulfillment in the end, and that's a fact. That shiny new iPhone you bought is going to drop in value as time passes by, which means you're going to have to buy the newest thing on the market again just so you can keep impressing people (who probably don't even care about you). You're basically trapping yourself in a never-ending cycle of buyer's remorse by doing that.

A lot of people nowadays don't value cultivating meaningful relationships anymore it seems. Having people you can talk to about anything, and who can be there for you in the hard times is far more fulfilling than getting the newest thing in the store that will eventually lose its worth anyhow. But hey, what the heck, right? We are all too caught up in ourselves and our own needs that we forget the value of fulfilling relationships. Heck, because we are too caught up in ourselves and our needs, we forget that other people have emotional needs, and those needs might be different from yours, which is why a lot of relationships fail nowadays. Then, as we grow older, we find ourselves more alone. Unless we are lucky enough to have been born with a family who loves us unconditionally, we can end up dying alone at home, or in a hospital these days. It's depressing to think that's the destiny that some of us have, and all because of how self-centered and materialistic we have become. All of this because of this me, me, me mentality.

Some people might even argue with me and say: 'but you don't need anyone to be happy.' That's true to some extent, not entirely. Think about it, can you really be content living by yourself on a deserted island for the rest of your life? I mean you might be fine with it for a few days, but after a while you are going to get sick of your own company, and you'll wish you had someone to talk to.

Fact of the matter is that humans are social creatures, and even the most introverted person will want someone to talk with once they get tired of being by themselves. If human beings were meant to be happy completely alone, then why does solitary confinement, one of the worst punishments a person can get for committing a heavy crime, have such strong consequences on the mind? The thing is, you need to be content with your own company, and not need others constantly around you so that your happiness isn't completely dependent on other people, but you also need to make room in your life for people who love you so you don't go through life all alone. That new gadget isn't going to hug you when you feel sad, nor is it going to tell you how much it loves you, and how much you mean to it.

Well, those are my thoughts, anyway. If they made you think about some things, then hey, good for you. If in your mind you still think that expensive cars, phones, or whatever, brings you more happiness than relationships ever will, then hey, it's your life, so live it however you want. It's your choice.

Alexis

P.S Below I will leave a link to an article that describes fifteen facts about solitary confinement, a link to a Youtube video that explains the consequences of materialism, and a study on how being more materialistic leads to an unfulfilling marriage.

https://www.therichest.com/shocking/15-chilling-facts-about-solitary-confinement/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGab38pKscw

https://www.studyfinds.org/materialistic-people-unhappy-marriage/

Physical Exercise: Number One In Self-Care

I believe that one of the best ways you can care for yourself is by developing some sort of regular exercise routine. The reason I say this is that exercising helps us by keeping us healthy, and that's an important part of taking care of yourself. Of course, you don't even need a gym membership, or that much equipment to start. Even just taking a walk for 30 minutes a day is helpful. Physical exercise is helpful for improving different aspects of yourself, such as:

1. Sleep

Exercising regularly can improve sleep, and it can help with insomnia if you suffer from it.

2. Depression

If you are a person who suffers from depression then exercising can help combat that since physical exercise releases 'endorphins' in your brain. Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for 'runners high', that great feeling you get when you do running, jogging or any other kind of aerobic exercise.

3. Sarcopenia

This is a no brainer really. Regular exercise can help improve your stamina, and also help slow down 'sarcopenia', which is muscle loss related to aging.

Building self-esteem is a challenge, but one of the best ways to start is by learning to take care of your body. You only get one when you come into this world, so why not try the best you can to make sure it keeps functioning properly for as long as it can?

Alexis

De-stressing The Mind, Calming The Soul

Self-care is one of the biggest steps towards building up self-esteem, and one way to care for yourself is by practicing ways to destress yourself. Life tends to put us in situations that elevate our stress; our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) goes up because of worries such as paying back a huge loan, or having to meet deadlines. Today I’m going to mention different ways of calming the mind that I’ve learned.

1. Listening To Nature Sounds

Spending time in nature just to listen to the sounds of birds chirping, or the leaves on the trees rustling can calm down the fight and flight response system, that part of the brain that alerts you to potential danger. When we are stressed, this part of the brain is constantly activated, and our cortisol levels rise. If for whatever reason you can’t find the time to go have some alone time in nature, then listening to nature sounds on Youtube or some other website can also have the same benefits.

2. Meditation

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I can assure you that this is one of the best ways to alleviate stress from the body. Ever since I started doing this at least 10 minutes everyday, I’ve noticed that I feel more calmer during the day. Meditating is actually pretty easy to do, but it does take a bit of practice to get better at it. Usually, when people think of meditation they picture somebody in a cross-legged pose on the floor with their eyes closed, while humming ‘om’. That’s the stereotypical image since meditation isn’t always like that. If you want to get into it all you have to do is follow a few steps:

Find a comfortable space that’s quiet. Too much noise can make it hard for you concentrate.
Do a few stretches to loosen up your muscles before you start sine you’ll be positioned in one pose for some time.

There are several poses you can use for meditation, but if you really don’t want to sit cross-legged because it’s uncomfortable, then you can easily just use a chair, just make sure your back doesn't touch the back of the chair. It’s not a requirement to sit cross-legged since the whole point of meditation is to make the mind focus on something (in this case your breathing) so that you can achieve a relaxed state.

Once you've found your preferred pose set a timer for about 10 minutes (or even 5 if you’re just starting out), and close your eyes. Focus on your breath; how cold the air feels when it enters your nose, how your chest rises, and drops as you breathe, all those little details. Don’t worry if your mind starts to wander, it's normal. Just try to bring your attention back to breath whenever it happens.
Practicing often to get better at it.

3. Exercise

Physical exercise can alleviate mental stress since it releases endorphins, brain chemicals that improve your mood. It’s also been scientifically proven to help you sleep better too.

4. Do A Hobby that You Enjoy

Spending time on hobbies can reduce stress since it helps us forget about the cause of the stress in the moment.

5. Reading
Reading a book before going to bed has been proven to help you relax, and fall asleep faster. Plus, it has the added benefit of enlarging your knowledge.

Well, I hope some of these tips can help anyone who reads this article with any anxiety problems they may have. Stress is one of the most common forms of suffering in life, and we should try to reduce its effect on us when life gets tough. Also keep in mind that being kind to ourselves is very important for building self-esteem. How we treat ourselves reflects how we think of ourselves, just like how our relationships mirror how we treat ourselves.

Alexis

Note: Here I will leave some links to articles that inspired this article.


https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/03/170330132354.htm

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3405747/Can-t-sleep-Listen-sound-WATER-Study-reveals-non-threatening-noises-help-brain-switch-off.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2213817/Scientists-genuine-benefits-meditation.html

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/5070874/Reading-can-help-reduce-stress.html

Emotional Needs: Honoring Your Feelings

I remember how, as a teenager, whenever I was upset my peers would stay away from me unless I pretended to be happy. They would tell me to get over it, or they would just go hang out with their more cheerful friend(s) instead. Looking back, it made me think about something. A lot of people don’t really know how to listen to their feelings, and instead choose to drown them out with logic. If you are like me, and you grew up having your feelings ignored, you probably learned, without realizing it, that your feelings aren’t important, and so you might have a hard time connecting with your emotions as a result. Growing up I used to have a tough time making decisions because of that, and let me tell you, it was probably the hardest issue I had to overcome. I was always weighing the pros, and cons of a decision, but my feelings were always telling me which decision was the best one the whole time. Sometimes I would even make a decision just because of logic alone even though that decision wouldn’t make me happy. I’m not saying that logic is a bad thing. In certain cases it can be good to be logical, but if it goes against your happiness, then you’re not being nice to yourself.

Trying to decide was a nightmare for me back then, but I think what was even worse than that was spending time around people who dismissed me when I was feeling hurt. In life you are going to meet those people who will tell you that you are overreacting when you are upset with them. You will meet the ones who tell you you are too needy when you tell them you are upset with them for being neglectful. You will meet the ones who make tasteless jokes that make fun of some insecurity you have, and they will try to make it seem as if it’s wrong for you to be mad at them.

I’ve met all kinds of people who weren’t good for me, and you know what they all have in common? They don’t respect your feelings, they don’t respect your emotional needs. They simply do whatever they want regardless of whether it hurts someone or not. If you are hurt or upset with someone in your life because of something they said or did, you should always listen to your feelings. Your feelings are the best indicators of what will make you happy, and unhappy. If you are upset with your partner because they called you needy for calling them out on their neglectful behavior, then hey, you have the right to be upset. It doesn’t make you happy, and you deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. If they treat you less than how you want to be treated they don’t deserve to be in your life.

If there’s something I’ve come to learn at the age of 25, it’s that, rather than overuse logic, we need to learn to honor how we feel. Our feelings are the best signs we have for telling whether someone or something is good for us or not, and denying them is an act of unkindness towards ourselves.

Alexis

*The photos used in this article do not belong to me*

-Papiamento Version-

Necesidadnan Emocional: Respetando Bo Sentimentonan

Ami ta corda con, tempo mi tabata adolescente, ora mi no tabata sinti mi bon, mi compañeronan di scol tabata mantene nan mes leu for di mi si mi no tabata haci manera mi tabata feliz. Nan tabata bisami pa stop di sinti asina, of nan tabata bay comparti nan tempo cu nan amigonan mas alegre. Mirando bek, el a pone mi pensa riba algo. Hopi hende no ta echt scucha nan sentimentonan, y nan ta scohe pa hundi nan cu logica. Si bo ta manera ami, y bo sentimentonan a wordo ignora hopi ora bo tabata creciendo, probablemente bo a siña, sin bo ripara mes, cu bo sentimentonan no tabatin balor, y pa e motibo ey bo por tin dificultad pa conecta cu bo emocionnan. Tempo mi tabata creciendo mi tabatin hopi dificultad pa tuma decisionnan pa e motibo ey, y laga mi bisa bo, esey tabata un di e problemanan mas grandi cu mi tabatin pa conkista. Ami semper tabata purba di wak e bon y malonan di un decision maske mi sentimentonan tabata bisami cua decision tabata esun mihor. Tin biaha mi tabata tuma un decision dor di logica so maske e decision ey no tabata bay haci mi feliz. Mi no ta bisando cu logica ta algo malo. E tin su lugar, pero si e ta bay contra bo felicidad, ey ora bo no ta siendo bon cu bo mes.

Purbando di dicidi tabata un pesadiya pami e temponan aya, pero mi ta kere cu loke tabata mas pio ainda compara cu esey tabata comparti mi tempo cu hende cu tabata falta mi sentimentonan respet ora mi tabata sinti mi malo. Den bida bo ta bay topa e hendenan ey cu ta bisa bo cu bo ta actua dramatico ora bo ta bisa nan cu bo ta rabia cu nan. Bo lo conoce esnan cu ta bisa bo cu bo ta hopi insigur ora bo ta bisa nan cu bo no ta feliz cu nan ta neglisha bo. Bo lo conoce esnan cu ta haci jokenan doloroso di algun inseguridad cu bo tin, y nan lo purba di pone bo sinti culpabel pa bo sinti rabia contra nan.

Mi a tur sorto di hende cu no tabata bon pami, y bo sa kico nan tur tin den comun? Nan no ta respeta bo sentimentonan, nan no ta respeta bo necesidadnan emocional. Nan ta gewoon haci loke nan kier maske e ta causa un otro hende dolor. Si bo tin rabia contra un hende den bo bida dor di algo cu nan a haci of bisa, semper bo mester scucha bo sentimentonan. Bo sentimentonan ta e mihor señalnan cu bo tin pa haya sa kico lo haci bo feliz y infeliz. Si bo ta sinti rabia contra bo pareha, pasobra nan a bisa cu bo ta hopi insigur dor cu nan ta neglisha bo, ey ora hey, bo tin tur derecho pa sinti asina. E no ta haci bo feliz, y bo ta merece wordo trata manera bo kier. Si nan ta trata bo menos di con bo kier wordo trata, ey ora nan no ta merece di ta den bo bida.

Si tin algo cu mi a siña na e edad di 25, e ta cu, en bes di uza logica dimas, nos tin cu siña respeta con nos ta sinti. nos sentimentonan ta e mihor señalnan cu nos tin pa descubri si un hende of algo ta bon pa nos of no, y nengando nan ta un forma pa falta respet pa nos mes.

Alexis

*E potretnan uza den e articulo aki no ta pertenece na ami*