Solitude: Reconnecting With Yourself

It is said that there are two kinds of people in the world, extroverts and introverts. Extroverted people get their energy socializing and spending time with other people, while introverts get recharge their energy by spending time alone. It's obvious that we live in a world run by extroverts. Let's say you are with a group of friends, but you don't feel like talking. Perhaps you're tired, or the conversation simply doesn't interest you. You can bet that 90 percent of the time somebody will point out how quiet you are, as if it's wrong to be silent. Heck, how about when you feel like spending time alone, yet somebody comes up to you for small talk with topics that have no interest or relevance to you? I'm not saying that small talk is completely bad, it's necessary when you are first getting to know someone, obviously. You're not going to spill your deepest darkest secrets to someone you barely even know, right? So small talk helps with figuring them out.

The point I'm trying to make here is that having occasional time for yourself is actually good for you. When you spend time by yourself, you can learn things about yourself that you didn't know. You can also use that time alone to reflect on your life, you can reflect on what you need to improve on, or what you would like to do in the future. Silence is also good for you. Too much noise can elevate your stress levels by activating the amygdala in the brain, that almond-shaped piece of gray matter responsible for processing our emotions, but silence helps reduce it. The combination of solitude and silence can also make you more creative. Being devoid of distractions in a peaceful environment helps your brain wander more, you daydream more, and as a result, your brain naturally comes up with all kinds of creative ideas that you may have not come up with if you didn't give it some time to 'play around'.

We are all wired differently, but if you are more on the introverted side, or if you can handle it, then I highly recommend taking some time out for peace and quiet. It really is helpful when you want to destress and be more creative. Silence is golden.

Alexis

The Pain Of Stereotyping: Labeling Without Knowing Someone Hurts

I remember how, when I was eight-years-old, I was so excited to start the third grade of elementary school. I was new to the school, and because of my shortage of experience with other children at the time, I thought that things would turn out alright. Life came in, and slapped me in the face with a brick. 2003 was the year when I would get my first wake up call from cold, hard reality, and that reality was that children could be cruel and unfair towards one another. Because I wore glasses and braces at the time, almost everyone had labelled me as a nerd, that was the beginning of my life as an outcast.

Although, children and adolescents tend to stereotype people, even grown ups are just as guilty at doing this. Even in my early 20s I've had people assume that I was some studious person who absolutely loved going to school because of my appearance. It's ironic, because the truth is, while I do love learning and reading, I don't like school, and if anything I hated it because of the struggles I've had to endure because of the school's preference for teaching and explaining in Dutch (since Aruba follows the Dutch school system), and my Dutch was awful. I was actually pretty lazy when it came to school, and would rather have fun than do homework. Heck, I was awful at mathematics and physics, and yet I've had people assume that I was a genius at those subjects all because of my physical appearance.

A lot of people don't realize just how hurtful making assumptions about someone can be, they don't know that what they are doing is defining who you are based on what you look like, rather than for who you are inside. If a guy likes flowers, does that mean he's automatically gay? What if he likes them simply because he admires their beauty, or maybe his mother used to tend flowers, and they remind him of her, which is why he likes them? If somebody likes horror movies, does that mean that they are automatically mentally ill and they need to seek help? What if they simply like the adrenaline rush they get from watching them? I like horror books because of the imagination behind them, and because I think monsters are cool. One time I had someone look at me all creeped when I told them I liked horror books, and they never contacted me since. I like collecting wedding figurines, which in society's eyes, is pretty bizarre for a guy to do (even my own mother finds it bizarre), but I really like them. Yet again I've had another person stop contacting me because of it. They pretended to act as if they weren't creeped out, but it was so obvious. See, that's the thing, a person can have 'weird' tastes, and there might, or might not be a reason behind them, it's just part of who they are, and it doesn't make them any less of a person for it.

As a teenager, the need to be part of a group is strong, and at that age we don't know how important it is to be yourself in order to attract the right people. Many fall under the temptations of peer pressure because of the need to be accepted. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like you have to be someone you're not just to be part of a clique, then don't do it! Everyone is different and special in their own way, and if other people tell you to dress or act a certain way to be accepted, then those aren't people who love you for who you are, they are in a sense rejecting your individuality because they don't like it. We outcasts are the rebels of society because despite how painful the rejection and loneliness can be, we don't conform to others' expectations of normality. Many of us eventually grow up to be outside of the box thinkers, the geniuses that others look up to, and the ones who actually make a difference in the world.

I'd say forget the stupid labels, and to hell with the need to conform. This goes out to all the outcasts in the world: be the rebel that you are. Don't let anyone define who you are because of stupid reasons. At the end of the day, the people who love you for your strange tastes are the people who deserve to be in your life, and no one should condemn you for your weirdness. We are all weird, most of us are too afraid to show it.

Alexis

The Selfish Friend or Me Me Me: Recognizing These People

Have you ever had a friend in your life who expects you to agree with them all the time? Who seems to be your friend only if you are just like them, and has a need to make themselves the center of everyone's world? Oh yeah, you probably know what type of person I'm talking about. The self-centered friend.

Any person who has healthy self-esteem is able to recognize these people from a distance, but for those whose self-esteem isn't so great, it's a lot harder to spot them. We all have a gut feeling that lets us know when something or someone isn't right, our intuition, but when your self-esteem is low, you are pretty much blind to the red flags because you don't trust yourself.

Let's say you've been hurt by selfish people in the past, what do you do to protect yourself from getting hurt in the future? Well, the sad fact is that selfish people are everywhere, and everywhere you go in life you will meet these kinds of people. The best thing you can do is try to raise your self-esteem so you can spot these people effortlessly, but until your self-esteem is healthy, there are a few signs that can help you spot these people so you can stay away from them.

1. You feel drained after spending time with them. They talk about themselves, and make the whole conversation about them. They never or barely try to show any interest in you. Spend enough time around them, and you'll start to feel like nothing about you really matters. When you spend time with friends, you are supposed to feel nourished, not tired.

2. When you call them out on something they did or do wrong, they shift the blame on you; they try to make you feel guilty for being upset with them each and every time. If you tell them how upset you are, they dismiss your feelings. Here's an example:

Tom and Ronny were two friends who had gone a whole month without texting each other. Ronny stopped texting Tom because he got tired of always being the person to text first. One day, Ronny decided to text Tom again, and after a small conversation, Ronny brought up how he felt regarding Tom ignoring him for a whole month.

Ronny: You know, Tom, I really wish you could try texting me first once in a while. I don't like to feel like I'm the only one putting the effort in this friendship.

Tom: Really? That's why you didn't talk to me for a whole month? What the hell, we're not kids anymore, we're growing up. The only reason I don't chat with you as much is because I know how busy you are.

As you can see from this illustration, Ronny is expressing how upset he is. If Tom was able to empathize with him, then he would have apologized, and tried to make him feel understood. Tom would have tried to improve on his behavior, which was making his friend feel sad. His selfishness doesn't permit him to see anyone else's point of view, only his own.

3. They don't listen to you. They constantly interrupt you, or they change the topic to something else (which probably involves them). That's a clear sign that they are only looking for an audience, and don't really care about you.

Alexis

Choosing Love Over Materialism: Owning Expensive Objects Is Not A Recipe For Happiness

This article is going to be somewhat different from the rest that I've written up until now, and the reason for that being that I want to get something out that's been on my mind lately. A lot of people nowadays seem to value expensive objects way too much. They do it for the sake of showing off to the people they know just to gain some validation. For example, they might buy a really expensive smartphone just to say 'look, I bought the latest phone!' And yet they don't even know how to use most of its features. People, buying expensive things isn't going to bring you long term fulfillment in the end, and that's a fact. That shiny new iPhone you bought is going to drop in value as time passes by, which means you're going to have to buy the newest thing on the market again just so you can keep impressing people (who probably don't even care about you). You're basically trapping yourself in a never-ending cycle of buyer's remorse by doing that.

A lot of people nowadays don't value cultivating meaningful relationships anymore it seems. Having people you can talk to about anything, and who can be there for you in the hard times is far more fulfilling than getting the newest thing in the store that will eventually lose its worth anyhow. But hey, what the heck, right? We are all too caught up in ourselves and our own needs that we forget the value of fulfilling relationships. Heck, because we are too caught up in ourselves and our needs, we forget that other people have emotional needs, and those needs might be different from yours, which is why a lot of relationships fail nowadays. Then, as we grow older, we find ourselves more alone. Unless we are lucky enough to have been born with a family who loves us unconditionally, we can end up dying alone at home, or in a hospital these days. It's depressing to think that's the destiny that some of us have, and all because of how self-centered and materialistic we have become. All of this because of this me, me, me mentality.

Some people might even argue with me and say: 'but you don't need anyone to be happy.' That's true to some extent, not entirely. Think about it, can you really be content living by yourself on a deserted island for the rest of your life? I mean you might be fine with it for a few days, but after a while you are going to get sick of your own company, and you'll wish you had someone to talk to.

Fact of the matter is that humans are social creatures, and even the most introverted person will want someone to talk with once they get tired of being by themselves. If human beings were meant to be happy completely alone, then why does solitary confinement, one of the worst punishments a person can get for committing a heavy crime, have such strong consequences on the mind? The thing is, you need to be content with your own company, and not need others constantly around you so that your happiness isn't completely dependent on other people, but you also need to make room in your life for people who love you so you don't go through life all alone. That new gadget isn't going to hug you when you feel sad, nor is it going to tell you how much it loves you, and how much you mean to it.

Well, those are my thoughts, anyway. If they made you think about some things, then hey, good for you. If in your mind you still think that expensive cars, phones, or whatever, brings you more happiness than relationships ever will, then hey, it's your life, so live it however you want. It's your choice.

Alexis

P.S Below I will leave a link to an article that describes fifteen facts about solitary confinement, a link to a Youtube video that explains the consequences of materialism, and a study on how being more materialistic leads to an unfulfilling marriage.

https://www.therichest.com/shocking/15-chilling-facts-about-solitary-confinement/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGab38pKscw

https://www.studyfinds.org/materialistic-people-unhappy-marriage/

Physical Exercise: Number One In Self-Care

I believe that one of the best ways you can care for yourself is by developing some sort of regular exercise routine. The reason I say this is that exercising helps us by keeping us healthy, and that's an important part of taking care of yourself. Of course, you don't even need a gym membership, or that much equipment to start. Even just taking a walk for 30 minutes a day is helpful. Physical exercise is helpful for improving different aspects of yourself, such as:

1. Sleep

Exercising regularly can improve sleep, and it can help with insomnia if you suffer from it.

2. Depression

If you are a person who suffers from depression then exercising can help combat that since physical exercise releases 'endorphins' in your brain. Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for 'runners high', that great feeling you get when you do running, jogging or any other kind of aerobic exercise.

3. Sarcopenia

This is a no brainer really. Regular exercise can help improve your stamina, and also help slow down 'sarcopenia', which is muscle loss related to aging.

Building self-esteem is a challenge, but one of the best ways to start is by learning to take care of your body. You only get one when you come into this world, so why not try the best you can to make sure it keeps functioning properly for as long as it can?

Alexis

De-stressing The Mind, Calming The Soul

Self-care is one of the biggest steps towards building up self-esteem, and one way to care for yourself is by practicing ways to destress yourself. Life tends to put us in situations that elevate our stress; our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) goes up because of worries such as paying back a huge loan, or having to meet deadlines. Today I’m going to mention different ways of calming the mind that I’ve learned.

1. Listening To Nature Sounds

Spending time in nature just to listen to the sounds of birds chirping, or the leaves on the trees rustling can calm down the fight and flight response system, that part of the brain that alerts you to potential danger. When we are stressed, this part of the brain is constantly activated, and our cortisol levels rise. If for whatever reason you can’t find the time to go have some alone time in nature, then listening to nature sounds on Youtube or some other website can also have the same benefits.

2. Meditation

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I can assure you that this is one of the best ways to alleviate stress from the body. Ever since I started doing this at least 10 minutes everyday, I’ve noticed that I feel more calmer during the day. Meditating is actually pretty easy to do, but it does take a bit of practice to get better at it. Usually, when people think of meditation they picture somebody in a cross-legged pose on the floor with their eyes closed, while humming ‘om’. That’s the stereotypical image since meditation isn’t always like that. If you want to get into it all you have to do is follow a few steps:

Find a comfortable space that’s quiet. Too much noise can make it hard for you concentrate.
Do a few stretches to loosen up your muscles before you start sine you’ll be positioned in one pose for some time.

There are several poses you can use for meditation, but if you really don’t want to sit cross-legged because it’s uncomfortable, then you can easily just use a chair, just make sure your back doesn't touch the back of the chair. It’s not a requirement to sit cross-legged since the whole point of meditation is to make the mind focus on something (in this case your breathing) so that you can achieve a relaxed state.

Once you've found your preferred pose set a timer for about 10 minutes (or even 5 if you’re just starting out), and close your eyes. Focus on your breath; how cold the air feels when it enters your nose, how your chest rises, and drops as you breathe, all those little details. Don’t worry if your mind starts to wander, it's normal. Just try to bring your attention back to breath whenever it happens.
Practicing often to get better at it.

3. Exercise

Physical exercise can alleviate mental stress since it releases endorphins, brain chemicals that improve your mood. It’s also been scientifically proven to help you sleep better too.

4. Do A Hobby that You Enjoy

Spending time on hobbies can reduce stress since it helps us forget about the cause of the stress in the moment.

5. Reading
Reading a book before going to bed has been proven to help you relax, and fall asleep faster. Plus, it has the added benefit of enlarging your knowledge.

Well, I hope some of these tips can help anyone who reads this article with any anxiety problems they may have. Stress is one of the most common forms of suffering in life, and we should try to reduce its effect on us when life gets tough. Also keep in mind that being kind to ourselves is very important for building self-esteem. How we treat ourselves reflects how we think of ourselves, just like how our relationships mirror how we treat ourselves.

Alexis

Note: Here I will leave some links to articles that inspired this article.


https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/03/170330132354.htm

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3405747/Can-t-sleep-Listen-sound-WATER-Study-reveals-non-threatening-noises-help-brain-switch-off.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2213817/Scientists-genuine-benefits-meditation.html

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/5070874/Reading-can-help-reduce-stress.html

Emotional Needs: Honoring Your Feelings

I remember how, as a teenager, whenever I was upset my peers would stay away from me unless I pretended to be happy. They would tell me to get over it, or they would just go hang out with their more cheerful friend(s) instead. Looking back, it made me think about something. A lot of people don’t really know how to listen to their feelings, and instead choose to drown them out with logic. If you are like me, and you grew up having your feelings ignored, you probably learned, without realizing it, that your feelings aren’t important, and so you might have a hard time connecting with your emotions as a result. Growing up I used to have a tough time making decisions because of that, and let me tell you, it was probably the hardest issue I had to overcome. I was always weighing the pros, and cons of a decision, but my feelings were always telling me which decision was the best one the whole time. Sometimes I would even make a decision just because of logic alone even though that decision wouldn’t make me happy. I’m not saying that logic is a bad thing. In certain cases it can be good to be logical, but if it goes against your happiness, then you’re not being nice to yourself.

Trying to decide was a nightmare for me back then, but I think what was even worse than that was spending time around people who dismissed me when I was feeling hurt. In life you are going to meet those people who will tell you that you are overreacting when you are upset with them. You will meet the ones who tell you you are too needy when you tell them you are upset with them for being neglectful. You will meet the ones who make tasteless jokes that make fun of some insecurity you have, and they will try to make it seem as if it’s wrong for you to be mad at them.

I’ve met all kinds of people who weren’t good for me, and you know what they all have in common? They don’t respect your feelings, they don’t respect your emotional needs. They simply do whatever they want regardless of whether it hurts someone or not. If you are hurt or upset with someone in your life because of something they said or did, you should always listen to your feelings. Your feelings are the best indicators of what will make you happy, and unhappy. If you are upset with your partner because they called you needy for calling them out on their neglectful behavior, then hey, you have the right to be upset. It doesn’t make you happy, and you deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. If they treat you less than how you want to be treated they don’t deserve to be in your life.

If there’s something I’ve come to learn at the age of 25, it’s that, rather than overuse logic, we need to learn to honor how we feel. Our feelings are the best signs we have for telling whether someone or something is good for us or not, and denying them is an act of unkindness towards ourselves.

Alexis

*The photos used in this article do not belong to me*

-Papiamento Version-

Necesidadnan Emocional: Respetando Bo Sentimentonan

Ami ta corda con, tempo mi tabata adolescente, ora mi no tabata sinti mi bon, mi compañeronan di scol tabata mantene nan mes leu for di mi si mi no tabata haci manera mi tabata feliz. Nan tabata bisami pa stop di sinti asina, of nan tabata bay comparti nan tempo cu nan amigonan mas alegre. Mirando bek, el a pone mi pensa riba algo. Hopi hende no ta echt scucha nan sentimentonan, y nan ta scohe pa hundi nan cu logica. Si bo ta manera ami, y bo sentimentonan a wordo ignora hopi ora bo tabata creciendo, probablemente bo a siña, sin bo ripara mes, cu bo sentimentonan no tabatin balor, y pa e motibo ey bo por tin dificultad pa conecta cu bo emocionnan. Tempo mi tabata creciendo mi tabatin hopi dificultad pa tuma decisionnan pa e motibo ey, y laga mi bisa bo, esey tabata un di e problemanan mas grandi cu mi tabatin pa conkista. Ami semper tabata purba di wak e bon y malonan di un decision maske mi sentimentonan tabata bisami cua decision tabata esun mihor. Tin biaha mi tabata tuma un decision dor di logica so maske e decision ey no tabata bay haci mi feliz. Mi no ta bisando cu logica ta algo malo. E tin su lugar, pero si e ta bay contra bo felicidad, ey ora bo no ta siendo bon cu bo mes.

Purbando di dicidi tabata un pesadiya pami e temponan aya, pero mi ta kere cu loke tabata mas pio ainda compara cu esey tabata comparti mi tempo cu hende cu tabata falta mi sentimentonan respet ora mi tabata sinti mi malo. Den bida bo ta bay topa e hendenan ey cu ta bisa bo cu bo ta actua dramatico ora bo ta bisa nan cu bo ta rabia cu nan. Bo lo conoce esnan cu ta bisa bo cu bo ta hopi insigur ora bo ta bisa nan cu bo no ta feliz cu nan ta neglisha bo. Bo lo conoce esnan cu ta haci jokenan doloroso di algun inseguridad cu bo tin, y nan lo purba di pone bo sinti culpabel pa bo sinti rabia contra nan.

Mi a tur sorto di hende cu no tabata bon pami, y bo sa kico nan tur tin den comun? Nan no ta respeta bo sentimentonan, nan no ta respeta bo necesidadnan emocional. Nan ta gewoon haci loke nan kier maske e ta causa un otro hende dolor. Si bo tin rabia contra un hende den bo bida dor di algo cu nan a haci of bisa, semper bo mester scucha bo sentimentonan. Bo sentimentonan ta e mihor señalnan cu bo tin pa haya sa kico lo haci bo feliz y infeliz. Si bo ta sinti rabia contra bo pareha, pasobra nan a bisa cu bo ta hopi insigur dor cu nan ta neglisha bo, ey ora hey, bo tin tur derecho pa sinti asina. E no ta haci bo feliz, y bo ta merece wordo trata manera bo kier. Si nan ta trata bo menos di con bo kier wordo trata, ey ora nan no ta merece di ta den bo bida.

Si tin algo cu mi a siña na e edad di 25, e ta cu, en bes di uza logica dimas, nos tin cu siña respeta con nos ta sinti. nos sentimentonan ta e mihor señalnan cu nos tin pa descubri si un hende of algo ta bon pa nos of no, y nengando nan ta un forma pa falta respet pa nos mes.

Alexis

*E potretnan uza den e articulo aki no ta pertenece na ami*

The Inner Child’s Starvation: Childhood Emotional Neglect

There are all kinds of sicknesses that plague people around the world, but if a soul could have a sickness, then Childhood Emotional Neglect would be the most silent of all maladies out there. Children have needs, and in order for them to grow up to be psychologically healthy adults those needs have to be met. What happens when those needs aren’t met? Children whose needs are not met grow up to be out of touch with their emotions. It’s like having an aching feel in our hearts that makes us feel like something is missing, and this emptiness makes us feel like we don’t belong in this world. We can spend a whole life feeling this way. We can spend a whole life feeling like a spectator of life, watching other people laugh, smile, and seemingly enjoying the connectedness they have with their friends, family, and lovers, while we sit in silence feeling dead inside.

If you are someone who grew up with unmet emotional needs, I know how it feels. You feel like no matter where you go, or where you are, you don’t belong. You feel like you are not of this world, and you long to be understood by someone, to feel like somebody truly cares about you. It’s tempting to blame our parents for neglecting our needs, for ignoring us when we needed their hug when we cried. When we needed to be heard when we had a bad day, or when we were praised only when we did something that made our parents look good in front of others, and not for who we were. The sad reality is that, many times, our parents didn’t commit these mistakes with the intention of hurting us. Just like you, they were hurt in their childhood. They raised you the way they did because they didn’t know how else to raise you, because that’s what they’ve learned growing up. Once you are grown up nobody else can fulfill your unmet needs, but unfortunately, because of how movies and television depict romantic relationships, many of us grow up believing the illusion that another person can make us feel complete, and take away all of our sorrows. We can spend a whole life chasing after that illusion that we don’t take the time to realize that only we can make ourselves happy, and that other people can only support that happiness, not create it for us.

Self-care is the first step in filling that hole known as Childhood Emotional Neglect. Self-care includes writing down the personality traits that you admire about yourself. It’s learning to be grateful for things you already have in your life, and it’s spending time doing the things you love, and reminding yourself why you are proud of yourself for indulging in these activities. Once you start learning how to love yourself, happiness, and freedom start to follow shortly after.

Alexis

The Fear Of Mediocrity- Taking Hobbies Too Seriously

Just the other day I read an article on The New York Times called ‘In Praise Of Mediocrity’ by Tim Wu, and in the article Tim Wu explains how most people just don’t try to do a hobby for the sake of enjoyment anymore, because we are afraid of being bad at them since we take them too seriously. We place all kinds of expectations on ourselves, and when we don’t live up to them, we give up, never to try again.

Personally, I think it’s true. I’ve had friends who tried drawing, for example, and because they felt that they weren’t good at it, and they gave up completely on it. I think it’s a shame, really. The thing is, you don’t have to be good at something if you are only doing it for enjoyment. No matter how bad you are at it, you shouldn’t take it seriously, because in the end a hobby is something you do for fun in your leisure time.

As you can tell from the picture on the right that is a small sculpture I made of a figure. It’s not the most amazing piece of art I made, and it shows, but you know what? The time I spent working on it was time that I enjoyed, and it even helped me relax my mind. Studies have shown that making art, no matter how mediocre it is, can actually reduce stress.

Have you ever wanted to try drawing, but feel like you aren’t talented enough? Ever wanted to dance, but you think you aren’t fit for it? I’d say forget your mediocrity, and just pick up a pencil, and start drawing, or start dancing just because you feel like it. In the end, you’re not trying to impress anyone, but you’re only doing it for your own enjoyment, to make yourself happy.

Alexis

P.S Below I've posted the links to the articles that inspired me to write this.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/29/opinion/sunday/in-praise-of-mediocrity.html

https://www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-good-art-benefit-artistic-hobby

The Importance Of Sleep: Feeling Refreshed, More Productivity

Are you someone who suffers from poor sleep? I can tell you from my experience that when I don’t get a good night sleep my concentration levels go down the drain. When I sleep badly even the tiniest thing that nobody would notice distracts me, and my energy levels? Honestly, getting things done feels twice as hard.

Ever since we entered the age of smartphones sleep quality around the world has suffered as a result from our heavy smartphone usage. What can we do to improve our sleep habits so that we can be our best selves during the day? Well, a lot of the times we sleep badly because we might have ‘bad sleep hygiene’. We indulge in habits that ruin our sleep without us even realizing it.

Examples of bad sleep hygiene include:

1. Sleeping at irregular times. One night you might go to bed at 10:30pm, the next night you go to sleep at midnight, and then the following night at 11:00pm. We all have a biological clock known in Biology as the ‘circadian rhythm’. When we sleep at random times like this we end up ruining our bodies’ circadian rhythm. That means we won’t feel as refreshed when we wake up since we’re not accustomed to sleeping at a certain time. If you want to ensure a good night of sleep, try to practice sleeping, and wake up at the same time every day.

2. Using gadgets before bed. Electronic devices such as smartphones, computers and tablets emit a kind of light known as ‘blue light’. Scientific studies have shown that blue light can harm your sleep quality since it tricks your brain into thinking that it’s still day time. Stopping device usage at least an hour before bed can help you fall asleep faster by allowing your mind to cool off for a bit.

3. Taking any stimulants before bed. This is a no-brainer really. Coffee? Heck, even eating dark chocolate close before bed may cause you problems since it has small amounts of caffeine in it.

4. Having a sedentary lifestyle. Our bodies require sleep in order to recharge, but if you never use up any energy during the day, then your body won’t have to recharge as much, causing you to wake up unnecessarily during the night.

Sleep deprivation feels like torture. You feel fatigued, your attention span becomes a mess, you might feel depressed or in a bad mood, and you don’t feel like doing much. Getting 8 hours of sleep is essential for leading a happy life. If you are a teenager, then at least 9 hours of sleep is required. Sleep is precious. Try to get the amount of sleep you need in order to perform at your best every day, otherwise you'll turn into a zombie, but instead of being hungry for brains, you'll be hungry for sleep. Believe me, you do not want to reach that point. I've been there, and it's not nice.

Active Hobbies vs Passive Hobbies: Building Self-Esteem Doing Something We Love

Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies, one of my favorite things in life. 😁 We all have something we like to do in our leisure time. Some of us look forward to it every day after school or work, while others simply indulge in their spare time activity as a way to pass the time without feeling any passion for it, but did you know that your hobby can be a great way to build self-esteem? You wouldn't believe what a gold mine your passion can be for building self-worth, but a lot of people don't realize that. Of course, it also depends on what kind of hobby you have.

There are two types of hobbies: active hobbies and passive hobbies. Active hobbies are hobbies that you try to get better at doing until you become an expert at it. In other words, you are actively participating in that activity, and you try to become more skilled at it over time. Passive hobbies, on the other hand, are hobbies that are meant to pass the time only, and don't involve skill building. Examples include watching television, going to the cinema, and playing video games.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having passive hobbies since they are a great way to relax or unwind, but sadly, they don't help build self-esteem the way active hobbies do. If you have an active hobby like painting or playing an instrument, then you'll possess a set of skills that not everyone has, and it will be built on pure effort on your part which will make you proud of yourself. Hobbies are also a great way to get to know yourself. You’ll even be able to impress other people, and you could even make a little extra money from it depending on what your active hobby is.

If you are suffering from low self-esteem, then my advice for you is to try to find something you are passionate about. Want to spend some time getting to know yourself? Take a look at this list on Wikipedia, and try out whatever catches your eye until you find that one thing that clicks with you. You might even end up surprising yourself in the end. 😉

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies

Alexis

Fake Friends: Recognizing The Masks That People Wear

We are destined to meet all kinds of people in the journey that is life. As we grow older, we figure out who we are as a person, and not everyone is going to mesh well with your personality. In our youth we have a hard time discerning real friends from fake ones, but only because of the rose-colored glasses we have on during those years. With age the rose-colored glasses come off, and we come to see who our friends really are. For some, the rose-colored glasses never come off, and we continue to live in a state of denial, letting others use us, but coming up with excuses for their bad behavior. Usually, our intuition lets us know who isn’t good for us, but if we are still in the process of getting in touch with ourselves, how can we figure out if someone isn’t good for us? The answer to that is simple: by learning to recognize the red flags. Red flags are signals that people give off unconsciously that let us know when we are in the company of a bad person. I’m going to list a few examples of red flags that are common with fake friends.

1. You only hear from them when they need something

If you have a friend who only gets in contact with you when they need your help with something, then more likely than not, you’re dealing with a fake friend. A real friend knows that a friendship goes both ways, and that both parties have to take turns taking the initiative when it comes to starting a conversation.

2. Two-faced behavior around you and others

If your friend acts nice around you, but as soon as the two of you are surrounded by other people, and they act rather indifferent, then they most likely don’t think highly of you, and feel ashamed of being seen with you. From my own experience, this is especially true if you aren’t popular with your peers in school, and your friend has friends who have a better reputation. It’s a clear sign that they don’t really accept you for who you are.

3. Fake friends talk badly of you behind your back

If your friend is really your friend, then why would they speak badly of you behind your back? Gossip tends to spread, so don’t be surprised if one day one of your acquaintances tells you that your friend told them of how they caught you in your underwear when they came to visit while you were still getting ready to go out.

4. It’s all about me, me, me

Real friends are considerate of your feelings. If they dismiss your feelings when you tell them how bad your day at work was, but the moment you do the same to them they act like a drama queen, then you might want to consider looking for another friend. The same goes for friends who only talk about themselves, but seem to forget that you even exist during the conversation. These people might as well carry a mirror around with them whenever they want to talk to someone, because that’s exactly how they’ll treat you.

5. They try to put puppet strings on you

Now this is a real sign that they don’t deserve to be in your life. If they have a habit of guilt-tripping you in order to get you to do what you want, then you should really get them out of your life, or at the very least distance yourself from them, and only speak to them when absolutely necessary. Spend enough time with these people with controlling behavior, and your self-esteem will slowly disappear like water evaporating from a cup.

Fake friends will rob you of your happiness if you let them. That’s why it’s important to trust your gut feeling, but if you aren’t in touch with that part of you just yet, you should pay attention to these red flags, and try to stay away from toxic people. Learn to set boundaries, as that will lessen the damage that these people might do to you if you can’t keep them out of your life because of life circumstances (like if they’re a co-worker, or a classmate), it will help you feel like you are in control of your life, and less like a martyr.

Alexis

Communcation: One Of Relationships' Key Ingredients

Wouldn't it be great to be able to read other people's minds? Well, I'm sure most us wish we could. Just imagine how easy life would be! Sadly, none of us are born with that gift since it doesn't exist. We can make assumptions, and sadly, that's what a lot of us do when we are in a relationship with someone, and we have poor communication skills.

If your partner is indulging in some behavior or habit that upsets you, you should let them know how it makes you feel before you reach a point of anger. As we all know, anger is an emotion that clouds your judgement; you don't think clearly when you are mad, so you might say things to your partner that you will later regret.

Then there are miscommunications. You might misinterpret or misread something your partner says, which can lead to some pretty ugly arguments, or worse, accusations. The best example I can think of is when you see your partner spending time with a friend, and you get the impression that they seem too close. Your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you.

And of course, you have dishonesty. You might be upset with your partner because they don't spend enough time with you, but rather than talk about it, you keep it to yourself, and make it seem like everything is okay. This will only cause you misery in the end, and you aren't being fair with your partner since you aren't giving them the opportunity to make adjustments.

Being direct is one of the best ways to have satisfying relationships. By being honest, you'll not only avoid unnecessary drama from making your partner think that everything is okay, but your partner will trust you a lot more.

Alexis

*Revised since I wasn't satisfied with the first version. Now it's definitely more to my liking.

Setting Boundaries: Where do you start, and I begin?

A boundary is like an invisible fence that protects you from people who might hurt, or take advantage of you. Boundaries allow you to control who you let in in your life, just like a fence has a door, and you control who you let in your yard. One big reason that many people put up with toxic people is that they have poor boundaries. This often occurs when somebody grows up in a toxic environment where they have learned that pleasing the parent is dependent upon their survival. For them, being taken advantage of was considered normal, and as a result, they bring this unhealthy pattern into every relationship when they grow up. Because pleasing means getting other people's approval, unconsciously, the people pleaser will have a hard time saying no, or letting others know what they won't tolerate. So how you do set boundaries? There are several ways you can set limits for other people, which I will mention.

1. Honesty

Being honest with others about your feelings is one of the best ways you can cultivate meaningful relationships with others. By being direct about how you feel you'll be able to figure out who you can count on, and who doesn't truly care about you. Just think, if your friend jokingly makes fun of you for a mistake you made, you should let them know that you didn't like what they said. A good friend would apologize, and make sure that they don't repeat the behavior, but if they dismiss it, and tell you not to be so sensitive, that's your cue that you may be dealing with someone who's not really your friend.

2. Know your limits

This is a no brainer. What are you not willing to tolerate from others? Rude behavior? Crude jokes? If you know what your limits are, you'll be better able to communicate these to the people in your life.

3. Be in touch with your feelings

It's important to be in touch with your feelings since they can tell you a lot about yourself, like what your likes and dislikes are. It helps a lot to spend some time alone every day. By eliminating the distractions that come with being with other people, you'll be better able to get in touch with yourself.

4. Practice Self-Care

I've mentioned this in past articles, but I can't stress enough just how important it is to learn to love, and take care of yourself. By practicing self-care, you'll develop better self-esteem, and you won't constantly doubt yourself or what you feel, and you'll have more courage to be who you are. That means you won't fall prey to people who are looking for someone to latch onto like a leech since you are able to assert yourself effectively.

5. Give Warnings

You should practice setting consequences if someone keeps violating your boundaries. Think about it, if you are a manager, you have to let your employee know what kind of bad things will happen if they keeps showing up late to work or acts irresponsibly, otherwise they will think it's okay to keep doing it. The same applies for friendships, and any other kind of relationship. Just letting other people know what your limits are won't be enough if they think they can keep getting away with disrespecting you.

6. Question Reality

If you grew up in a toxic environment where you had your feelings constantly dismissed, you might have a hard time being in touch with your feelings, which means you are more likely to deceive yourself; you won't see things clearly. You might put up with a toxic relationship because you tell yourself that your partner is like that because they had a bad childhood, and they deserve compassion despite their abusive behavior, for example. No, you shouldn't put up with abusive behavior no matter how bad your partner had it. That's why it helps to question reality. By spending some time alone every day, you should ask yourself questions regarding certain aspects of your life that seem to be draining you for some reason you can't pinpoint.

Not setting boundaries is like having no fence, and leaving the front door of your house open for all kinds of trespassers to come in. It's no wonder there are people who feel resentful towards everyone, but that's because they never set limits, and expect everyone to be considerate. Sadly, not everyone takes your feelings into account, so the only thing you can do is let them know what your limits are. By doing that, you'll know who's really your friend, and who isn't.

Alexis

Finding Real Gold Among Fake Ones: Why You Shouldn't Let Your Friendships Die

When you are young, the world still feels fresh to you. You make all kinds of friends when you are in school. Your friends have your back, and it seems like you found people who are like family to you even though you aren't blood related. Reality, however, has other plans, and after you graduate, you and your friends go your separate ways. Whatever strong bond you once shared begins to diminish, until they become a distant memory with the passage of time. Soon they don't even cross your mind anymore. What happened?
Cultivating meaningful friendships is hard work. Think of friendships like a flower; if you don't nurture it on a regular basis, it'll die eventually. True friends are hard to find, and it seems that, even now in this day and age, we have less meaningful relationships in our lives. Everyone is either too busy with their priorities or goals in life. It's nice to have things to strive for in life, but if you have no one to celebrate those achievements with, then will your victory still feel just as great? Don't let your friendships die of neglect, otherwise there may come a day when you will come to regret it.

Alexis

Intuition: The Voice Of Your Inner Child

Imagine that you have two cones of ice creams; one is vanilla, and the other is chocolate. As they melt in front of you, you try, desperately, to weigh the pros and cons of each flavor. While you are fighting with yourself over which one you should pick, there's a feeling in your chest nagging you. That feeling is trying to tell you, "Dammit, chocolate is the best flavor. PICK THE DAMN CHOCOLATE ALREADY!" But instead you keep looking at both sides, until eventually the ice creams melt, and you curse yourself for being so indecisive.
Okay, this story seems a little farfetched, but I think you get my point. If you are like me and you had insecurities growing up, or you still have insecurities, then more likely than not you're not in touch with your intuition. It's a common problem that comes from a childhood where you were made to feel as though you were wrong for feeling the way you did. Perhaps one or both parents kept telling you you shouldn't feel sad about having no one to play with since they provided you with everything you wanted. Fact of the matter is, you had a right to feel the way you did. Unfortunately, once you are all grown up, behavioural patterns can be difficult to break, but not impossible. It all starts with you taking the necessary steps to reparent yourself by practicing self-love.

Alexis

Empty Shell (Casca Bashi)

English Version

Sometimes we have difficulty accepting reality. We don't want to accept that we are wrong, and we prefer deceiving ourselves. I, myself, became a victim since I had a friend who covered my eyes from the truth about him.

I remember I was sitting in the Starbucks at Seaport Marketplace, drinking a capuchino when my old friend, Gregory, whom I haven't seen in a long time, came to surprise me at the table where I was seated. I was busy browsing the internet on my phone, and that's why I hadn't noticed him instantly.

"Who would've thought I would run into you here? Hah? Who?!" He said.

I just shook my head, and smiled telling him, "Well, this is a big surprise. Gregory! What are you doing here, man?"

"You know already, I came to watch a movie, but since there's still fifteen minutes left before the film starts, I decided to chill here for a moment. I didn't expect to run into you here, though."
"I thought so too."
Actually, to be honest, I didn't want to run into Gregory that day. Gregory wasn't a bad person, but let's just say that he had a bad habit of trying to gain attention.
"Hey, you're not gonna believe what happened last week. I went out with the most beautiful chick I had ever seen in my life. I'm guessing the guys around us were jealous or something since I've noticed they kept looking at us."
Gregory liked looking for a crowd to feed his ego. When I saw Gregory's face I just wanted to get up and leave, but you already know, I wasn't raised with bad manners like that. Sometimes I wished I did have manners, though. My heart was beating like a drum in my chest. His presence alone made me feel weak. My mind was working fast like a car on high speed, trying to find a way to escape, until I finally got an idea.
"Gregory, sorry, but I have to go. My parents came to pick me up, and well, since the traffic is busy, they went to wait for me at Renaissance. We'll keep talking another time. See you."
"Ah, alright. See you, man."
I got up, and I went out of Starbucks as quickly as I could. That just goes to show you how toxic certain people can be. It's better to only let positive people in our lives, and evade those who suck our energy like a vampires feeds on blood.

Papiamento Version

 Tin biaha nos tin dificultad pa acepta realidad. Nos no kier acepta cu nos ta fout, y nos ta prefera gaña nos mes. Ami mes a bira victima di esey dor cu mi tabatin un amigo cu a cubri mi wowonan for di e berdad di dje.

Mi ta corda mi tabata sinta den e Starbucks na Seaport Marketplace, bebiendo un capuchino ora mi amigo bieu, Gregory, kende mi no a wak pa hopi tempo, a bin sorprende mi na e mesa unda mi tabata sinta. Mi tabata bezig ta browse e internet riba mi cel, y pesey mi no a ripar'e di biaha.

“Ken por a pensa cu mi tabata bay topa bo akinan? Hah? Ken?!” E di.

M'a gewoon sacudi mi cabes, y m'a sonrei bisando e, “Wel, esaki si ta un sorpresa grandi. Gregory! Ki bo ta haciendo akinan, sua?”

“Bo mes sa, m’a bin wak un pelicula, pero dor cu ainda falta diescinco minuut pa e pelicula cuminsa, m’a dicidi chill ‘kinan un rato. Mi no a spera pa topa cu bo si.”

“M’a pensa mescos.”

Eigenlijk, pa ta honesto, mi no kier a topa cu Gregory e dia ey. Gregory no tabata mal hende, pero djis ban bisa cu e tabatin un mal custumber di purba di hala atencion.

“Ey, bo no ta bay kere loke a sosode siman pasa. M’a sali cu e chick mas bunita cu m’a yega di weita den mi bida. Mi kier sa tur e guynan rond di nos tabata jaloers of algo, paso m’a ripara cu nan tabata keda wak nos."

Gregory tabata gusta busca un publico pa subi su ego. P’e motibo ey, hopi hende no por a toler’e hopi, ni ami mes. Ora m’a wak Gregory su cara, mi tabata kier a gewoon lanta bay, pero bo mes sa, mi no a wordo cria cu mal custumbernan asina. Tin biaha mi ta desea pa tin mal maneranan si. Mi curason a bati manera un drum den mi pecho. Su presencia so tabata pone mi sinti zwak. Mi mente tabata trahando lihe manera un auto riba velocidad lihe, purbando di busca un forma pa scapa, te ora porfin m’a logra haya un idea.

“Gregory, sorry, pero mi tin cu bay. Mi mayornan a bin busca mi, y wel, dor cu e trafico ta druk, nan a para warda riba mi na Renaissance.  Nos lo sigui papia otro dia, topa.”

“Ah, suave. Topa, sua.”

M’a lanta para, y m’a sali for di Starbucks lo mas lihe cu mi por. Esey ta djis mustra bo con toxico cierto hende por ta. Ta mihor pa laga solamente hende positivo en nos bida, y evita esunnan cu ta chupa nos energia manera un vampiro ta alimenta su mes cu sanger.

Alexis

The Irresistible Dance: The Narcissist & Codependent

Imagine you are in a room full of mirrors, and in each mirror you try to get your reflection to tell you what a beautiful person you are. You imagine your reflection complimenting you, letting you know how wonderful, and special you are, but instead you find them criticizing you, and telling you how unlovable you are. In each mirror you look into, you expect something different, but the story repeats itself, until one day you break down, and give up finding that one mirror who could save you from yourself. That's codependency.

Codependency is a behavioral pattern that children pick up when they grow up with a very self-centered parent AKA a narcissist, or someone who just isn't there for them emotionally. The child learns early on that, in order to get his or her needs met, they need to put aside their needs in order to make mommy or daddy happy. When they grow up, they bring this same pattern into every relationship they get into. The reason for that isn't that codependents are masochists. It's because our relationships mirror who we are.

Some signs of codependency are:

• Poor boundaries, and having difficulty in setting them
• Having a hard time saying no
• Needing to be liked by everyone
• Being hard on yourself, unable to forgive your mistakes
• Daydreaming of finding that one person who could love you, who could make your world better
• Having a need to take care of other people

I can tell you how true that is, because back when I was messed up emotionally, I used to attract women who were cold, and emotionally unavailable. While I was desperate for love, I kept attracting women who didn't know how to love back. Even the friends I attracted tended to be narcissistic and manipulative. I had a hard time standing up for myself, because I feared being rejected. Once I overcame this pattern, suddenly things shifted, and I began attracting people who were emotionally supportive. I can even feel when I am in the presence of someone with bad vibes. Being a chronic people pleaser cuts you off from your intuition, and as a result, you can't detect these energy vampires, and stay away from them. You create all kinds of excuses for their bad behavior, and you stay with them because you deep down you don't want to be alone.

Loneliness is the codependent's biggest fear. They fear loneliness like a child fears the dark. The driving force behind that loneliness is a lack of self-love, the antidote to their shame. To cultivate self-love, take at least 10 minutes a day to just sit down, with no distractions whatsoever, and thinking of at least 3 to 5 things that make you special, and ask yourself: what is about these things that I love about myself?

1. I love the fact that I know how to cook, because it makes me a more independent person, and I make my friends and family smile with my delicious recipes.
2. I love how I take time to exercise every day, because it keeps me healthy, and I'm taking care of my body when I do this.
3. I love that, no matter how hard things get, I never give up when I want to reach a goal. Not everyone has this resilience, and it makes me proud to be this way for it

That's how you build up self-esteem. Our parents may not have been able to show us how to love ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't become our own parent when we grow up.

Self-Abandonment And Self-Validation

The media has a way of deluding us into believing certain things which aren't true. Because of romance novels and movies, many people have come to believe that having someone by their side is the key to happiness in life. They feel as though they are incomplete without a boyfriend/girlfriend, and they spend their whole lives searching for that one person, that one piece of the puzzle that is their heart in order to feel happy, but usually end up in unsatisfying relationships with narcissists or Love Avoidant individuals. The idea of destiny, and having a soulmate out there is, without a doubt, a beautiful fantasy. Unfortunately, reality doesn't work like that, and the fact of the matter is that, in order to have satisfying relationships, you need to have a satisfying relationship with yourself first, because our relationships are our mirrors.
So how can we escape the seemingly endless cycle of seeking love outside of ourselves? The answer to that is to start validating yourself, and the best way to do that is to take a moment to self-reflect every day, at the very least ten to fifteen minutes.
During those ten to fifteen minutes sit down, with no distractions whatsoever, and ask yourself:

1. What is it about my hobbies that gives me fulfillment, and why am I proud of myself for spending time on them?

2. What is it about my personality traits that make me proud of myself? If you are a determined person who never gives up, what is it about that aspect of your personality that you like?

3. What is it about my achievements that I am proud of?

Many people aren't fortunate to have grown up with parents who validated their worth, rather, they were made to feel invisible, and as a result, when they grow up, they go on a search for that one person who could give them the unconditional love they felt they never got. Sadly, they usually end up with people who abandon them the way their parents abandoned them, and the way they abandon themselves. Luckily, as someone who has been through similar experiences and overcame them, I can promise you that, as long as you are determined to heal your wounds, it's never too late to become who you were meant to be.

Alexis

The Power Of Gratitude

Nowadays, because of social media, we are bombarded with images of people who seem to have it better than we do in life. Often we will see someone who's getting married, while we still haven't had any luck in finding the one, or perhaps that former classmate of ours might be far ahead in the game of life than we are. These kinds of images can be a source of poison for our mental health, and often, it's difficult not to feel envious of them. We don't choose to feel this way, and it's just our mind's way to motivate us to do better, but is there a way to feel content when we take in the success of others? Luckily for you, there is! By expressing gratitude for the things we already have, we can avoid intoxicating ourselves with envy. One way to do this is by keeping a gratitude journal, but even just taking five minutes every day thank the universe for the things you already have can bring you a sense of inner peace most would love to have.
Here's something I want to you to try out. Pick a piece of paper, and pick five things you're grateful for. After you've thought out what you're grateful for, write down WHY you are grateful for what you have. If you feel jealous when you see that someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend, then think about the kind of love that you already do have in your life, and ask yourself, why am I grateful for having this kind of love in my life? Here's an example:

1. I am grateful for having a roof over my head, since there are other people less fortunate than I am who don't even have a place to keep them safe from the rain.

2. I am grateful for the friends and family that I have, since they are my support system, and not everybody is lucky to have people who care about them the way they do with me.

3. I am grateful for the health that I have, since not a lot of people are lucky to be this healthy.

Gratitude is the antidote to envy, and it's also one of the keys to fulfillment in life. By expressing gratitude you fill in a hole in your heart that begs you to look for fulfillment outside of yourself by either encouraging you to be materialistic or seeking validation from others.

Alexis