Setting Boundaries: Where do you start, and I begin?

A boundary is like an invisible fence that protects you from people who might hurt, or take advantage of you. Boundaries allow you to control who you let in in your life, just like a fence has a door, and you control who you let in your yard. One big reason that many people put up with toxic people is that they have poor boundaries. This often occurs when somebody grows up in a toxic environment where they have learned that pleasing the parent is dependent upon their survival. For them, being taken advantage of was considered normal, and as a result, they bring this unhealthy pattern into every relationship when they grow up. Because pleasing means getting other people's approval, unconsciously, the people pleaser will have a hard time saying no, or letting others know what they won't tolerate. So how you do set boundaries? There are several ways you can set limits for other people, which I will mention.

1. Honesty

Being honest with others about your feelings is one of the best ways you can cultivate meaningful relationships with others. By being direct about how you feel you'll be able to figure out who you can count on, and who doesn't truly care about you. Just think, if your friend jokingly makes fun of you for a mistake you made, you should let them know that you didn't like what they said. A good friend would apologize, and make sure that they don't repeat the behavior, but if they dismiss it, and tell you not to be so sensitive, that's your cue that you may be dealing with someone who's not really your friend.

2. Know your limits

This is a no brainer. What are you not willing to tolerate from others? Rude behavior? Crude jokes? If you know what your limits are, you'll be better able to communicate these to the people in your life.

3. Be in touch with your feelings

It's important to be in touch with your feelings since they can tell you a lot about yourself, like what your likes and dislikes are. It helps a lot to spend some time alone every day. By eliminating the distractions that come with being with other people, you'll be better able to get in touch with yourself.

4. Practice Self-Care

I've mentioned this in past articles, but I can't stress enough just how important it is to learn to love, and take care of yourself. By practicing self-care, you'll develop better self-esteem, and you won't constantly doubt yourself or what you feel, and you'll have more courage to be who you are. That means you won't fall prey to people who are looking for someone to latch onto like a leech since you are able to assert yourself effectively.

5. Give Warnings

You should practice setting consequences if someone keeps violating your boundaries. Think about it, if you are a manager, you have to let your employee know what kind of bad things will happen if they keeps showing up late to work or acts irresponsibly, otherwise they will think it's okay to keep doing it. The same applies for friendships, and any other kind of relationship. Just letting other people know what your limits are won't be enough if they think they can keep getting away with disrespecting you.

6. Question Reality

If you grew up in a toxic environment where you had your feelings constantly dismissed, you might have a hard time being in touch with your feelings, which means you are more likely to deceive yourself; you won't see things clearly. You might put up with a toxic relationship because you tell yourself that your partner is like that because they had a bad childhood, and they deserve compassion despite their abusive behavior, for example. No, you shouldn't put up with abusive behavior no matter how bad your partner had it. That's why it helps to question reality. By spending some time alone every day, you should ask yourself questions regarding certain aspects of your life that seem to be draining you for some reason you can't pinpoint.

Not setting boundaries is like having no fence, and leaving the front door of your house open for all kinds of trespassers to come in. It's no wonder there are people who feel resentful towards everyone, but that's because they never set limits, and expect everyone to be considerate. Sadly, not everyone takes your feelings into account, so the only thing you can do is let them know what your limits are. By doing that, you'll know who's really your friend, and who isn't.

Alexis