The Irresistible Dance: The Narcissist & Codependent

Imagine you are in a room full of mirrors, and in each mirror you try to get your reflection to tell you what a beautiful person you are. You imagine your reflection complimenting you, letting you know how wonderful, and special you are, but instead you find them criticizing you, and telling you how unlovable you are. In each mirror you look into, you expect something different, but the story repeats itself, until one day you break down, and give up finding that one mirror who could save you from yourself. That's codependency.

Codependency is a behavioral pattern that children pick up when they grow up with a very self-centered parent AKA a narcissist, or someone who just isn't there for them emotionally. The child learns early on that, in order to get his or her needs met, they need to put aside their needs in order to make mommy or daddy happy. When they grow up, they bring this same pattern into every relationship they get into. The reason for that isn't that codependents are masochists. It's because our relationships mirror who we are.

Some signs of codependency are:

• Poor boundaries, and having difficulty in setting them
• Having a hard time saying no
• Needing to be liked by everyone
• Being hard on yourself, unable to forgive your mistakes
• Daydreaming of finding that one person who could love you, who could make your world better
• Having a need to take care of other people

I can tell you how true that is, because back when I was messed up emotionally, I used to attract women who were cold, and emotionally unavailable. While I was desperate for love, I kept attracting women who didn't know how to love back. Even the friends I attracted tended to be narcissistic and manipulative. I had a hard time standing up for myself, because I feared being rejected. Once I overcame this pattern, suddenly things shifted, and I began attracting people who were emotionally supportive. I can even feel when I am in the presence of someone with bad vibes. Being a chronic people pleaser cuts you off from your intuition, and as a result, you can't detect these energy vampires, and stay away from them. You create all kinds of excuses for their bad behavior, and you stay with them because you deep down you don't want to be alone.

Loneliness is the codependent's biggest fear. They fear loneliness like a child fears the dark. The driving force behind that loneliness is a lack of self-love, the antidote to their shame. To cultivate self-love, take at least 10 minutes a day to just sit down, with no distractions whatsoever, and thinking of at least 3 to 5 things that make you special, and ask yourself: what is about these things that I love about myself?

1. I love the fact that I know how to cook, because it makes me a more independent person, and I make my friends and family smile with my delicious recipes.
2. I love how I take time to exercise every day, because it keeps me healthy, and I'm taking care of my body when I do this.
3. I love that, no matter how hard things get, I never give up when I want to reach a goal. Not everyone has this resilience, and it makes me proud to be this way for it

That's how you build up self-esteem. Our parents may not have been able to show us how to love ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't become our own parent when we grow up.