Fake Friends: Recognizing The Masks That People Wear

We are destined to meet all kinds of people in the journey that is life. As we grow older, we figure out who we are as a person, and not everyone is going to mesh well with your personality. In our youth we have a hard time discerning real friends from fake ones, but only because of the rose-colored glasses we have on during those years. With age the rose-colored glasses come off, and we come to see who our friends really are. For some, the rose-colored glasses never come off, and we continue to live in a state of denial, letting others use us, but coming up with excuses for their bad behavior. Usually, our intuition lets us know who isn’t good for us, but if we are still in the process of getting in touch with ourselves, how can we figure out if someone isn’t good for us? The answer to that is simple: by learning to recognize the red flags. Red flags are signals that people give off unconsciously that let us know when we are in the company of a bad person. I’m going to list a few examples of red flags that are common with fake friends.

1. You only hear from them when they need something

If you have a friend who only gets in contact with you when they need your help with something, then more likely than not, you’re dealing with a fake friend. A real friend knows that a friendship goes both ways, and that both parties have to take turns taking the initiative when it comes to starting a conversation.

2. Two-faced behavior around you and others

If your friend acts nice around you, but as soon as the two of you are surrounded by other people, and they act rather indifferent, then they most likely don’t think highly of you, and feel ashamed of being seen with you. From my own experience, this is especially true if you aren’t popular with your peers in school, and your friend has friends who have a better reputation. It’s a clear sign that they don’t really accept you for who you are.

3. Fake friends talk badly of you behind your back

If your friend is really your friend, then why would they speak badly of you behind your back? Gossip tends to spread, so don’t be surprised if one day one of your acquaintances tells you that your friend told them of how they caught you in your underwear when they came to visit while you were still getting ready to go out.

4. It’s all about me, me, me

Real friends are considerate of your feelings. If they dismiss your feelings when you tell them how bad your day at work was, but the moment you do the same to them they act like a drama queen, then you might want to consider looking for another friend. The same goes for friends who only talk about themselves, but seem to forget that you even exist during the conversation. These people might as well carry a mirror around with them whenever they want to talk to someone, because that’s exactly how they’ll treat you.

5. They try to put puppet strings on you

Now this is a real sign that they don’t deserve to be in your life. If they have a habit of guilt-tripping you in order to get you to do what you want, then you should really get them out of your life, or at the very least distance yourself from them, and only speak to them when absolutely necessary. Spend enough time with these people with controlling behavior, and your self-esteem will slowly disappear like water evaporating from a cup.

Fake friends will rob you of your happiness if you let them. That’s why it’s important to trust your gut feeling, but if you aren’t in touch with that part of you just yet, you should pay attention to these red flags, and try to stay away from toxic people. Learn to set boundaries, as that will lessen the damage that these people might do to you if you can’t keep them out of your life because of life circumstances (like if they’re a co-worker, or a classmate), it will help you feel like you are in control of your life, and less like a martyr.

Alexis

Communcation: One Of Relationships' Key Ingredients

Wouldn't it be great to be able to read other people's minds? Well, I'm sure most us wish we could. Just imagine how easy life would be! Sadly, none of us are born with that gift since it doesn't exist. We can make assumptions, and sadly, that's what a lot of us do when we are in a relationship with someone, and we have poor communication skills.

If your partner is indulging in some behavior or habit that upsets you, you should let them know how it makes you feel before you reach a point of anger. As we all know, anger is an emotion that clouds your judgement; you don't think clearly when you are mad, so you might say things to your partner that you will later regret.

Then there are miscommunications. You might misinterpret or misread something your partner says, which can lead to some pretty ugly arguments, or worse, accusations. The best example I can think of is when you see your partner spending time with a friend, and you get the impression that they seem too close. Your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you.

And of course, you have dishonesty. You might be upset with your partner because they don't spend enough time with you, but rather than talk about it, you keep it to yourself, and make it seem like everything is okay. This will only cause you misery in the end, and you aren't being fair with your partner since you aren't giving them the opportunity to make adjustments.

Being direct is one of the best ways to have satisfying relationships. By being honest, you'll not only avoid unnecessary drama from making your partner think that everything is okay, but your partner will trust you a lot more.

Alexis

*Revised since I wasn't satisfied with the first version. Now it's definitely more to my liking.

Setting Boundaries: Where do you start, and I begin?

A boundary is like an invisible fence that protects you from people who might hurt, or take advantage of you. Boundaries allow you to control who you let in in your life, just like a fence has a door, and you control who you let in your yard. One big reason that many people put up with toxic people is that they have poor boundaries. This often occurs when somebody grows up in a toxic environment where they have learned that pleasing the parent is dependent upon their survival. For them, being taken advantage of was considered normal, and as a result, they bring this unhealthy pattern into every relationship when they grow up. Because pleasing means getting other people's approval, unconsciously, the people pleaser will have a hard time saying no, or letting others know what they won't tolerate. So how you do set boundaries? There are several ways you can set limits for other people, which I will mention.

1. Honesty

Being honest with others about your feelings is one of the best ways you can cultivate meaningful relationships with others. By being direct about how you feel you'll be able to figure out who you can count on, and who doesn't truly care about you. Just think, if your friend jokingly makes fun of you for a mistake you made, you should let them know that you didn't like what they said. A good friend would apologize, and make sure that they don't repeat the behavior, but if they dismiss it, and tell you not to be so sensitive, that's your cue that you may be dealing with someone who's not really your friend.

2. Know your limits

This is a no brainer. What are you not willing to tolerate from others? Rude behavior? Crude jokes? If you know what your limits are, you'll be better able to communicate these to the people in your life.

3. Be in touch with your feelings

It's important to be in touch with your feelings since they can tell you a lot about yourself, like what your likes and dislikes are. It helps a lot to spend some time alone every day. By eliminating the distractions that come with being with other people, you'll be better able to get in touch with yourself.

4. Practice Self-Care

I've mentioned this in past articles, but I can't stress enough just how important it is to learn to love, and take care of yourself. By practicing self-care, you'll develop better self-esteem, and you won't constantly doubt yourself or what you feel, and you'll have more courage to be who you are. That means you won't fall prey to people who are looking for someone to latch onto like a leech since you are able to assert yourself effectively.

5. Give Warnings

You should practice setting consequences if someone keeps violating your boundaries. Think about it, if you are a manager, you have to let your employee know what kind of bad things will happen if they keeps showing up late to work or acts irresponsibly, otherwise they will think it's okay to keep doing it. The same applies for friendships, and any other kind of relationship. Just letting other people know what your limits are won't be enough if they think they can keep getting away with disrespecting you.

6. Question Reality

If you grew up in a toxic environment where you had your feelings constantly dismissed, you might have a hard time being in touch with your feelings, which means you are more likely to deceive yourself; you won't see things clearly. You might put up with a toxic relationship because you tell yourself that your partner is like that because they had a bad childhood, and they deserve compassion despite their abusive behavior, for example. No, you shouldn't put up with abusive behavior no matter how bad your partner had it. That's why it helps to question reality. By spending some time alone every day, you should ask yourself questions regarding certain aspects of your life that seem to be draining you for some reason you can't pinpoint.

Not setting boundaries is like having no fence, and leaving the front door of your house open for all kinds of trespassers to come in. It's no wonder there are people who feel resentful towards everyone, but that's because they never set limits, and expect everyone to be considerate. Sadly, not everyone takes your feelings into account, so the only thing you can do is let them know what your limits are. By doing that, you'll know who's really your friend, and who isn't.

Alexis

Finding Real Gold Among Fake Ones: Why You Shouldn't Let Your Friendships Die

When you are young, the world still feels fresh to you. You make all kinds of friends when you are in school. Your friends have your back, and it seems like you found people who are like family to you even though you aren't blood related. Reality, however, has other plans, and after you graduate, you and your friends go your separate ways. Whatever strong bond you once shared begins to diminish, until they become a distant memory with the passage of time. Soon they don't even cross your mind anymore. What happened?
Cultivating meaningful friendships is hard work. Think of friendships like a flower; if you don't nurture it on a regular basis, it'll die eventually. True friends are hard to find, and it seems that, even now in this day and age, we have less meaningful relationships in our lives. Everyone is either too busy with their priorities or goals in life. It's nice to have things to strive for in life, but if you have no one to celebrate those achievements with, then will your victory still feel just as great? Don't let your friendships die of neglect, otherwise there may come a day when you will come to regret it.

Alexis

Intuition: The Voice Of Your Inner Child

Imagine that you have two cones of ice creams; one is vanilla, and the other is chocolate. As they melt in front of you, you try, desperately, to weigh the pros and cons of each flavor. While you are fighting with yourself over which one you should pick, there's a feeling in your chest nagging you. That feeling is trying to tell you, "Dammit, chocolate is the best flavor. PICK THE DAMN CHOCOLATE ALREADY!" But instead you keep looking at both sides, until eventually the ice creams melt, and you curse yourself for being so indecisive.
Okay, this story seems a little farfetched, but I think you get my point. If you are like me and you had insecurities growing up, or you still have insecurities, then more likely than not you're not in touch with your intuition. It's a common problem that comes from a childhood where you were made to feel as though you were wrong for feeling the way you did. Perhaps one or both parents kept telling you you shouldn't feel sad about having no one to play with since they provided you with everything you wanted. Fact of the matter is, you had a right to feel the way you did. Unfortunately, once you are all grown up, behavioural patterns can be difficult to break, but not impossible. It all starts with you taking the necessary steps to reparent yourself by practicing self-love.

Alexis

Empty Shell (Casca Bashi)

English Version

Sometimes we have difficulty accepting reality. We don't want to accept that we are wrong, and we prefer deceiving ourselves. I, myself, became a victim since I had a friend who covered my eyes from the truth about him.

I remember I was sitting in the Starbucks at Seaport Marketplace, drinking a capuchino when my old friend, Gregory, whom I haven't seen in a long time, came to surprise me at the table where I was seated. I was busy browsing the internet on my phone, and that's why I hadn't noticed him instantly.

"Who would've thought I would run into you here? Hah? Who?!" He said.

I just shook my head, and smiled telling him, "Well, this is a big surprise. Gregory! What are you doing here, man?"

"You know already, I came to watch a movie, but since there's still fifteen minutes left before the film starts, I decided to chill here for a moment. I didn't expect to run into you here, though."
"I thought so too."
Actually, to be honest, I didn't want to run into Gregory that day. Gregory wasn't a bad person, but let's just say that he had a bad habit of trying to gain attention.
"Hey, you're not gonna believe what happened last week. I went out with the most beautiful chick I had ever seen in my life. I'm guessing the guys around us were jealous or something since I've noticed they kept looking at us."
Gregory liked looking for a crowd to feed his ego. When I saw Gregory's face I just wanted to get up and leave, but you already know, I wasn't raised with bad manners like that. Sometimes I wished I did have manners, though. My heart was beating like a drum in my chest. His presence alone made me feel weak. My mind was working fast like a car on high speed, trying to find a way to escape, until I finally got an idea.
"Gregory, sorry, but I have to go. My parents came to pick me up, and well, since the traffic is busy, they went to wait for me at Renaissance. We'll keep talking another time. See you."
"Ah, alright. See you, man."
I got up, and I went out of Starbucks as quickly as I could. That just goes to show you how toxic certain people can be. It's better to only let positive people in our lives, and evade those who suck our energy like a vampires feeds on blood.

Papiamento Version

 Tin biaha nos tin dificultad pa acepta realidad. Nos no kier acepta cu nos ta fout, y nos ta prefera gaña nos mes. Ami mes a bira victima di esey dor cu mi tabatin un amigo cu a cubri mi wowonan for di e berdad di dje.

Mi ta corda mi tabata sinta den e Starbucks na Seaport Marketplace, bebiendo un capuchino ora mi amigo bieu, Gregory, kende mi no a wak pa hopi tempo, a bin sorprende mi na e mesa unda mi tabata sinta. Mi tabata bezig ta browse e internet riba mi cel, y pesey mi no a ripar'e di biaha.

“Ken por a pensa cu mi tabata bay topa bo akinan? Hah? Ken?!” E di.

M'a gewoon sacudi mi cabes, y m'a sonrei bisando e, “Wel, esaki si ta un sorpresa grandi. Gregory! Ki bo ta haciendo akinan, sua?”

“Bo mes sa, m’a bin wak un pelicula, pero dor cu ainda falta diescinco minuut pa e pelicula cuminsa, m’a dicidi chill ‘kinan un rato. Mi no a spera pa topa cu bo si.”

“M’a pensa mescos.”

Eigenlijk, pa ta honesto, mi no kier a topa cu Gregory e dia ey. Gregory no tabata mal hende, pero djis ban bisa cu e tabatin un mal custumber di purba di hala atencion.

“Ey, bo no ta bay kere loke a sosode siman pasa. M’a sali cu e chick mas bunita cu m’a yega di weita den mi bida. Mi kier sa tur e guynan rond di nos tabata jaloers of algo, paso m’a ripara cu nan tabata keda wak nos."

Gregory tabata gusta busca un publico pa subi su ego. P’e motibo ey, hopi hende no por a toler’e hopi, ni ami mes. Ora m’a wak Gregory su cara, mi tabata kier a gewoon lanta bay, pero bo mes sa, mi no a wordo cria cu mal custumbernan asina. Tin biaha mi ta desea pa tin mal maneranan si. Mi curason a bati manera un drum den mi pecho. Su presencia so tabata pone mi sinti zwak. Mi mente tabata trahando lihe manera un auto riba velocidad lihe, purbando di busca un forma pa scapa, te ora porfin m’a logra haya un idea.

“Gregory, sorry, pero mi tin cu bay. Mi mayornan a bin busca mi, y wel, dor cu e trafico ta druk, nan a para warda riba mi na Renaissance.  Nos lo sigui papia otro dia, topa.”

“Ah, suave. Topa, sua.”

M’a lanta para, y m’a sali for di Starbucks lo mas lihe cu mi por. Esey ta djis mustra bo con toxico cierto hende por ta. Ta mihor pa laga solamente hende positivo en nos bida, y evita esunnan cu ta chupa nos energia manera un vampiro ta alimenta su mes cu sanger.

Alexis

The Irresistible Dance: The Narcissist & Codependent

Imagine you are in a room full of mirrors, and in each mirror you try to get your reflection to tell you what a beautiful person you are. You imagine your reflection complimenting you, letting you know how wonderful, and special you are, but instead you find them criticizing you, and telling you how unlovable you are. In each mirror you look into, you expect something different, but the story repeats itself, until one day you break down, and give up finding that one mirror who could save you from yourself. That's codependency.

Codependency is a behavioral pattern that children pick up when they grow up with a very self-centered parent AKA a narcissist, or someone who just isn't there for them emotionally. The child learns early on that, in order to get his or her needs met, they need to put aside their needs in order to make mommy or daddy happy. When they grow up, they bring this same pattern into every relationship they get into. The reason for that isn't that codependents are masochists. It's because our relationships mirror who we are.

Some signs of codependency are:

• Poor boundaries, and having difficulty in setting them
• Having a hard time saying no
• Needing to be liked by everyone
• Being hard on yourself, unable to forgive your mistakes
• Daydreaming of finding that one person who could love you, who could make your world better
• Having a need to take care of other people

I can tell you how true that is, because back when I was messed up emotionally, I used to attract women who were cold, and emotionally unavailable. While I was desperate for love, I kept attracting women who didn't know how to love back. Even the friends I attracted tended to be narcissistic and manipulative. I had a hard time standing up for myself, because I feared being rejected. Once I overcame this pattern, suddenly things shifted, and I began attracting people who were emotionally supportive. I can even feel when I am in the presence of someone with bad vibes. Being a chronic people pleaser cuts you off from your intuition, and as a result, you can't detect these energy vampires, and stay away from them. You create all kinds of excuses for their bad behavior, and you stay with them because you deep down you don't want to be alone.

Loneliness is the codependent's biggest fear. They fear loneliness like a child fears the dark. The driving force behind that loneliness is a lack of self-love, the antidote to their shame. To cultivate self-love, take at least 10 minutes a day to just sit down, with no distractions whatsoever, and thinking of at least 3 to 5 things that make you special, and ask yourself: what is about these things that I love about myself?

1. I love the fact that I know how to cook, because it makes me a more independent person, and I make my friends and family smile with my delicious recipes.
2. I love how I take time to exercise every day, because it keeps me healthy, and I'm taking care of my body when I do this.
3. I love that, no matter how hard things get, I never give up when I want to reach a goal. Not everyone has this resilience, and it makes me proud to be this way for it

That's how you build up self-esteem. Our parents may not have been able to show us how to love ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't become our own parent when we grow up.